Life of a Butterfly

         Butterflies are known for their transformation. They symbolize change and emphasize the power of transition.  Through the metamorphosis process, they inspire others to alter their lives for the better.  What makes me, me? I thrive in change; I live the life of a butterfly, where the only constant is, change.

          Butterflies are recognized for their ability to evolve, but do they appreciate their gift? Speaking as a butterfly, my response is no. Throughout my life, I tried every possible way to deter change. I always tried to stay within my comfort zone, and avoid anything new and daring. My mom, on the other hand, always looked for a way to challenge me.
        In elementary school, I moved up with the same kids every year; over 6 years, we grew close and I wanted to make sure it was kept that way.  When graduation neared, I made a decision that I wanted to go to Marine Park JHS with my friends, although my mom had different plans for me; When September came, I was enrolled in Bay Academy, for drama.  I fought her on it for months, I cried and tortured her; but, when she finally gave in, I had already made new friends and wanted to stay.  I've always underestimated myself, and doubted that I could handle foreign situations,  nevertheless succeed.  When I graduated JHS, it was Deja-vu. I wanted to go to Madison HS, where all of my neighborhood friends were, once again, going. Did I not learn anything?  My mom, however, made me put Leon M. Goldstein HS, as my number one.  Since that was a hard HS to get into, I was okay with it being on the top of my list; I wasn't smart enough to make it anyway, right? Wrong. The letter came that I was to start LMGHS in the fall, and guess what? I bawled.
          The school was unbelievable;  No metal detectors, cell phones permitted, Smart Boards in every room, Mac desktops in all the labs, booths and a TV in the lunchroom, and a school store with everything a teenager could possibly ask for (Bagels, Soda, Candy, Chips, Clothes etc.) I was in paradise, yet I still had a terrible mindset; I didn't want to be there at all.  I ran out of school everyday, the second the bell rang, I was gone; off to Madison. I didn't participate in any extracurricular activities, nevermind staying in school a second after I had to.  I was more worried about everyone else, than myself.  This is another flaw that I have, putting everyone before me; I worry about disappointing others, rather than worrying about myself.  As a transitioning butterfly, this makes room for disaster.
         Butterflies need to adapt to their new, reformed look; they can't fly right away or they will damage their wings. The wings need to dry to successfully complete there transformation. I, a stubborn butterfly, had to learn this the hard way; My social life was great, but my schoolwork lacked. Inside, this was eating me apart.  I had to make a decision. This time, I turned to my mom for guidance. She simply told me, "Worry about yourself".  It wasn't the first time I've heard this from her, but this time it was slowly sinking it. I started to realize that I couldn't rely on other people to make my life have meaning. Sophomore year of high school, my life started to fall into place.  I started to socialize, met some of my best friends, and together we got through school.  At this point, I started to embrace change.  I took it and used it to my advantage; I decided that it's all or nothing.  Instead of trying to fit in, I made it my goal to start defining myself. I started taking risks; I dyed my hair black, cut it all off, and completely altered my wardrobe.  This only lasted a few months before I decided to go red, and then strawberry blonde, and golden blonde and I even got so far as to platinum!  I was constantly changing, and I loved it! From this point on, I looked for any way to challenge myself and take risks; My wings were finally strengthening, and getting ready to flutter.
        Change defines me.  I imagine that I leave every individual, in whom I cross paths with a different image of myself, and I am proud of that.  Of course the strong characteristics that my mom used to mold me and helped me grow are permanently imprinted on my wings, but the details are forever changing.  What makes me, me? I am just your average butterfly.
       

Love me, Love me not

Understanding Human Emotion

Does she understand my words? Is she responding to my excitement? Does she really love me?

Heroine-a Paulina

“’Cause I miss you, body and soul so strong that it takes my breath away...”, sings my mother aloud. These mere words, so potent can bring a tear to her eye. She continues, “...and I breathe you into my heart and pray for the strength to stand today, ‘cause I love you.” She stops to look at me, and I glance back, immediately knowing her thoughts. It is moments like this, where I often find myself pondering about the well-developed bond that has formed between my mother and I; the events that took place, and the way she molded me into the person I am today. My mother, Paulina Jayne Ellis, has always found a way to rise above any obstacle that has crossed her path, for the sole purpose of my protection and satisfaction. The term, “hero” underestimates the amount of inspiration that she attributes to my life daily. 

Most individuals have an idol or hero, somebody who they learn from, whom inspires them. The definition of a hero varies with each individual depending on their interests, along with their strengths and weaknesses. I perceive a hero as someone who inspires me to keep progressing in any circumstance, someone who excels at everything they set their mind to, someone who could make the best out of the worst, and someone so selfless that when performing a task, only continues with others in mind—my mother.  She inspires me to go above and beyond the average criteria whilst facing each problem that I coincide with, head on; however, the roughest hardship in her life, we had to face together. 

On July 29^th, 1996, at the age of thirty-four, my father, Gennaro Crisano had passed away due to a massive heart attack; our lives were now torn. My mother and I were on our own in this vast world, with only each other to get us through each and every day. My mother had struggled emotionally, physically and financially; however, she showed no sign of distress.  She was a widowed, single mother taking care of her only child, and continued her days dressed accompanied by a smile.  She tried her best to create a normal lifestyle for us to abide by. With no hesitation, she found a place for us to reside, and a job to support our well-being.  Though we did not live a luxurious life, we were not deprived of anything the average family had.  There was never a time where my mother disappointed me; she always gave me everything I ever desired.  She limited herself, to make me happy. Before the holidays, with each paycheck that came in, she would set aside a small amount. This was so that by Christmas she would have enough saved to fill the space under the Christmas tree. My mother had always found a way to raise my standard of living, even if it meant lowering her own.

Playing the role of both mom and dad, my mother never went a day without bringing me to school, picking me up in time for dinner, and tucking me in at night.   Our relationship grew more fondly each and every day, and my mother grew stronger.  She knew that in order for me to live a successful life, I needed a role model. A role model, who though was ripped apart inside-out, woke up every morning, got dressed and went to work. My mother’s efforts were always my motivation to keep moving forward.  My mother has now obtained an occupation within the Unified Court System for over 15 years, and has even become the president of the secretaries association, leading others in all of the 5 boroughs.

Parents play a vital role in a child’s development. They teach us how to strive toward our goals, and persevere no matter the extent of the occurring quandary.  My mother is my sole inspiration to discover the extent of my capabilities.  Growing up to emulate her would be a gift in itself.  Thus far, she has helped me develop into a hardworking woman and has taught me how to make the best of situations. Taking the strength given to her from my father’s undying love, she has turned it into a whirlpool of opportunities for the both of us.

Free Falling

          My eyes are everywhere, looking for any possible way out.  I walk straight ahead as far as I could without falling, all I could see is water. Every direction I look; the further I search for hope, the more water comes into sight.  I was alone most of the time, sometimes there were people accompanying me; however, we never made contact.   There wasn't enough time to get to know anybody.  It seemed as if time were running short; it was only a matter of seconds.  5...4...3..2..1... My eyes stay open until the very end, watching the sun in the distance.  My legs numb, I clench a tight fist as my heart drops; my body jerks, I open my eyes -- staring at the ceiling in my bedroom.
         This reoccurring dream, played over and over every time my lids shut during the night. I never hit the water. As many times as I have had this dream, I never came closer, nor strained away from the water. There are different perspectives in which this dream could be analyzed.
        The Psychoanalytical/Psychodynamic Theory breaks the dream down into manifest and latent content.  The manifest content is the experience; how you remember it. The manifest content of my dream is being surrounded by water, and that I am located on the top of a building, with no interaction with any being. Latent content is the hidden meaning; what the manifest symbolizes. Water is a common and very powerful symbol. The never ending ocean can symbolize uncertainty, while the building can portray perspective, and the lack of communication can be a sign of isolation. The culmination would be that I metaphorically acted out my suppressed desire to be noticed, and attempted to fix my insecurities (self-uncertainty) and alter the world's perspective of myself; however, it could also be as simple as an uncertainty of water, instilling fear within myself.
        The Cognitive Dream Theory involves 5 parts of conception: yourself, others, the world, moral and conflict. I was by myself, others didn't seem to matter at that moment, the world was simple, the moral was complex.  Last, the conflict was how I fell, and why I never came into reach with the water.  This dream could have signified a drop or fall in a serious matter that played a significant role in my life (school, friendships, relationships).  It played out am average day that I had experienced routinely; a combination of events and morals that I've acquired daily. Typically I strove for success in school, in order to make up for my lack of confidence that I never reached, just as I fell towards the water but never actually reached it.
         Each of these perspectives can have similar meanings, or opposing meanings based on how YOU perceive them.  Dreams can be whatever you make of them.  I lean more towards Freud's, Psychodynamic Theory, rather than Hall's Dreams-For-Survival Theory (Cognitive Theory).  I believe that my dreams symbolize my unconscious thoughts, fears and desires.
       

P.S.
     It is a popular myth that if you hit the bottom in a dream, you die in reality.  I have always believed this, since I always have waken up before I ever reached the water.  Recently, I have had a similar dream to my recurring childhood dream. The dream had the same type of scheme, but there were key differences, that I've never experienced. The first was that I chose to jump off the building into the water.  Second, it was a pool I was jumping into instead of a never-ending sea. Third, I had all the time in the world; it was recreational.  Fourth and most importantly, this time I had actually hit the ground. My dream had made a complete 360 from what I was used to.  I had intentionally jumped off a building into a pool for fun a few times; the last time I actually missed the water and bounced off the concrete face first.  I felt a numbness; however, I picked myself up as though nothing happened.  The most frightening part of the dream was seeing my distorted face in the mirror; I had a bruised nose, two black eyes and a cut that ran straight across my forehead stemming to my left ear. Contrary to popular belief, I woke up that morning;talk about free falling. Analyze that?